Shameless promotion
As most of you are aware, the great Barbados project has come to an end, or will do very shortly once I've gone out there to pick up my stuff, sold a few scooters I have lying about the place, and returned a few DVDs that I've had on loan for the past 6 weeks. Owing to this change in direction, I will be back in the UK and available for guest appearances at dinner and drinks parties ("Oh, you must meet my friend, he's a writer don't you know!") and of course on 24 hour emergency call-out for blind dates, gap filling at dinner parties, and other such female support services.
However, what with the Barbados gig and associated construction work having not panned out, I now have a large and peculiarly shaped red hole in my finances. As such, and with the completion of the book a priority, I'm going to have to prostitute by brain on a part time basis, to fill this red hole...so to speak. I have a number of kind, astute, mad, but ultimately generous friends who have offered me various projects that would all fit the bill, however, I thought I would kick off this round of fund raising with a simple no-brainer - a kind of, help me help you, at no cost to anyone, sort of thing.
A number of you will have met my dear friend Roland, who, as it happens, runs a delightful and, coincidently, extremely good courier company in London, called BCCP. If I can introduce him to you, or to whomever within your organisation is responsible for this type of thing, and they hit it off - in a platonic business sense that is - Roland will give me an introductory commission - which he would have given to a sales person anyway.
Here's a little background to lull you to sleep: BCCP run bikes (up to 10 o'clock in the evening), parcel cars (24 hours), vans (24 hours on booking) and have a number of very swish Mercedes to boot. They also have an international courier division for sending presents to your Aunt in Canada. They boast (although boasting is not their style) a great client list which includes the likes of: Reuters, Bain, Boston Consulting, Pearson Group, Columbia Sony, Havas Group, WPP, etc. The etc. bit is not the end of the list, by the way - it goes on to list a raft of smaller companies who they service equally as well as the big, powerful sounding ones. Oh, also, they have a fantastic web site with all of the information in just the right place, where you can book things on-line...all of which was designed and produced by my good self (http://www.bccp.co.uk).
The clincher here is that you get to have lunch with Roland - and find out how to deliver a lamb or a calf - you get to call him 'Ro', and I get to pat you on the back and say lovely things about you. If I ever get to publish the book you will also get a credit. Can't say fairer than that!
Let me know if this sounds agreeable and I will pass on your contact details to him.
As a bloke I once bumped into, in a tavern high in the Rocky Mountains, once said: "when the going gets tough, the weird turn Pro".
Many thanks
P.S. Here's a selection of this week's search engine terms used to find this site:
The classiest:
venice guggenheim museum roaring lion sculpture
The most obscure:
imperial cubicle tracks
The most misguided:
can we build the next concorde
[@ 07:25 PM GMT]
The price of dentistry
Unfortunately I'm still in the UK at the moment and not basking in the ninety degree plus heat of Barbados. Discussions, with my good friend GBJ, about what to do with the house in Barbados have stalled - mainly due to the high cost of building work on the island and also, but to a lesser extent, because of the fragile state of global property market, the price of oil, test firing of Syrian Scud missiles over Turkey and the fact that I can't get the rear light on my motorbike to work.
When I say discussions, what I actually mean is snatched thirty second mobile phone calls between myself at home and GJB in various bars, prisons, and football stadia across Europe - this is about as good as it gets when dealing with a high-rolling legal eagle with a taste for the good life, a few clients in the hole and a passion for Liverpool FC. We've met up a couple of times, once when GBJ turned up and announced he had to be somewhere else, and another time when he turned up, slightly worse for wear, and gave me a thick lip, knocked one of my fillings out and bit my arm - this is about as good as it gets when dealing with a man with a new born child attending regular cranial osteopathy sessions, who likes a good rough and tumble in the middle of a private members club and who has a strong set of teeth.
Suffice to say, and what with the price of dentistry these days, my unpublished author's finances can't stand up to this kind of punishment and thus I've decided to jack in the Barbados gig. I'm flying back to grab my things, lock up the house and sell the scooters - if you know of anyone in Barbados in the market for a low mileage, well maintained scooter, or scooters as is the case, then please let me know.
In reality, the place was getting to me a bit and an extended period away from cheap rum probably makes sense - I expect the Mountgay Rum distillery will be switching to short time as a result. Next stop, well, who knows. I have tentative transfer offers from Swansea and LA, and an option in Switzerland, but nothing is signed as of yet.
In the absence of any rum ridden stories of excess, I thought I would lift the statistical drain covers of the web site and take a peek at the weird and random ecosystem that is the internet. Here is a list of some of the search terms that people have entered into a search engine (Google, MSN, etc.) that lead them to this web site. Bear in mind that for the search engine to have directed someone to this site, these terms must have been deemed relevant to its content.
The most worrying of these terms were:
water wave naked arab oil massage
what was the heaviest object ever remove from the stomach
The sickest:
badger bugger (nice to know that based on a search of 8,058 million web sites, when it comes
to 'badger bugger' I'm page 1, entry 2)
tit shit bugger
The most obscure:
friday night 3d darts torrent
strimmer petrol heavy duty ireland
the truth about hells angels asked to leave ireland
heard headboard banging
badger insurance song (Perhaps I should write one!)
tarmac camera pouch
las vegas bellagio titty fuck (He clearly 'ain't going to Vegas for the gambling!)
property tower of london cave
Ones whose authors need help:
cocaine needle tent
hairy dudes
receptionist window tracks
nurse shave groin
noisy mattresses
skunk lunch
i didnt pay my payday loan what's going to happen
pancreatitis and thrashing about
badger badger song the lord of the rings how it really happened
picking up a badger
Ones whose authors should have their arms ripped off:
adopting white tigers oh
The obvious (to those who remember Vegas):
massage parlors happy endings
happy ending massages
thai massage happy ending
massage parlor las vegas
massage happy ending new york city
thai massage happy ending los angeles
The nicest:
andrew darling
That's it for now.
[@ 04:22 PM GMT]
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