"Wine, flamenco guitar and estate agents" Monday, July 25th:
A quick interlude before I finish up the tale of being blown by Emily. This interlude will consist of three elements; wine, flamenco guitar and estate agents, so if you're weird enough to not be interested, in any way shape or form, in any of these, you can slope off now and have a fag in the bogs.
Firstly, wine. A while back, whilst stumbling around the interweb, I came across a web site - not an unusual thing to do when hooked up to the interweb and staring at a browser, but at least you now know how I came across the information I am about to impart. Anyway, on this web site - and I have no recollection of which one it was by the way, so don't bother asking - there was a message to bloggers (those, like me, who run a weblog web site) to submit an e-mail requesting a sampler bottle (a full 750 ml no less) of wine from a South African producer called Stormhoek. Clearly it was a clever ploy to get people to submit live e-mail addresses that would be added to a massive datebase...which in turn would be used to send out vast numbers of e-mails promoting penis enlargement gadgets. However, I'm a gambling man and I like my wine, and the infinitesimally small odds that this was not a spam scam, were more than good enough for me. Well, it arrived - the wine, not the penis enlargement gadget - all labelled up with my name and number (there are clearly 75 other foolhardy bloggers out there gagging for free booze), and I have to report that it is really rather good. I had the Stormhoek Sauvignon Blanc 2005 and it was just as good as the latest overrated, over priced Sauvignon Blanc offering from Messrs Cloudy Bay. I'm not sure where I can buy more, but if you're interested, try the boys at Orbital Wines (http://www.stormhoek.com). Ah, I've just remembered the web site where I came across this little gem, http://www.gapingvoid.com. It's run by a chap called Hugh Macleod. He produces cartoon business cards for people/companies that don't take themselves too seriously - more power to that. On that note, check out the ecclesiastical cartoonist, Dave Walker, at http://www.cartoonchurch.com.
Secondly, flamenco guitar, or rock-flamenco guitar. Sounds strange I know, but if you're serious about your music, or if, like my good friend Roland, you simply like a nice tune and still have early Madonna CDs in your car CD multichanger, then Rodrigo & Gabriela Live in Manchester & Dublin (on CD) is a must. Frankly, even if you hate music but occasionally drum your fingers on your desk whilst talking to pre-scripted photocopier salesmen on the telephone, then this is worth a listen.
And finally, estate agents. Working at home has its upside; I don't have to commute and thus there is no chance of finding myself sitting next to a swarthy looking gentleman clutching a rucksack loaded with explosives he made in his mother's Magimix the night before. The downside is that I have to put up with leaflets and free newspapers and magazines exploding through my letterbox three or four times a day. The former may be extremely hazardous to life, but the latter doesn't half scare the bejesus out of you when the only other sound is the cat snoring gently in the corner. Death and the attributes of a congested cat aside, the biggest contributors to the exploding-letterbox-whilst-a-cat-snores phenomenon, or EL WACS as I call it, are estate agents. Nine different free property newspapers and magazines are hammered through my door. After a spot of weighing and multiplying, I've calculated that 9,096 metric tons of free property newspapers and magazines explode through Londoners' letterboxes every year; that's the equivalent of 147 Challenger 2 tanks or 1137 average sized African elephants landing on our doormats, without as much as a by your leave. Of these 9,096 tons, 2,819 tons - or 352 average sized African elephants - are the unsolicited glossy output of just three estate agents; Foxtons, Kinleigh Folkard & Hayward, and Douglas Gordon. Even more staggering is that apart from Foxtons, these figures are for south west London alone! Quite apart from the number of trees being destroyed to fuel this avalanche of largely unwanted advertising and the cost in terms of landfill, what is it doing to the mental health of those that work peacefully at home - with or without a snoring cat? I rang these three agents and politely asked them to stick their magazines up their fucking arses, but still they come, exploding through my front door. Later today, on a run to Waitrose to pick up provisions, I will be ramming, commando style, three weeks worth of recycling waste (two bin bags) through the letterbox of one of these three agents. I bet the bastards won't like it up 'em!
If you too are appalled by the thought of 1137 average sized African elephants exploding through letterboxes every year, I urge you to do the same. MAKE EL WACS HISTORY. All I need now is a modest, softly spoken Scottish sidekick, from an electronic 80s pop band, and I might just scare up a Knighthood.
That's my morning out of the way. Now for a straight six hour run at the book, which is going very nicely by the way, and should hopefully be finished just before the bailiffs arrive in a few months.
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