"Oh bugger!" Thursday, March 24th:
Last week was not a good week and this week is certainly not a good week, for thematically similar, but diametrically opposed reasons. Last week my scooter was stolen and this week it was recovered. The only thing that really happened in between these two events was that I spent a great deal of time standing/sitting around waiting, queuing, filling in forms, writing letters and making statements regarding the theft, at various offices across the island. Oh, and, of course, buying a new scooter, taking out new insurance and buying new road tax.
I now have to go through the laborious process of informing the various interested/disinterested parties of how and when the original scooter was recovered and whether I wish to press charges against the thieves.
My official statement will read as follows:
At approximately 8.00 on the morning of Monday 24th April, I was at home in bed and was awoken by a hammering on the french windows that lead on to the veranda. On investigation of said hammering I discovered the much animated presence of my neighbour, one Desmond Vasthill. Mr Vasthill had a large grin on his large bloodhoundesque face and was pointing in the general direction of the wasteland at the rear of my residence that leads down to a small flood plain and major drainage culvert. On opening the aforementioned french windows that lead onto the veranda and through which I was observing Mr Vasthill, he informed me of the following. At approximately 7.30 that morning, being the morning of Monday 24th April, Mr Vasthill was taking Snowy, his largish cat, who for various psychological reasons is unable to leave their house unaccompanied, for her morning walk across the empty plot of land that adjoins the plot on which I reside, and towards the wasteland at the rear of my residence that leads down to a small flood plain and major drainage culvert. On or at around the edge of the adjoining plot of land which marks both the psychological and physical limits of Snowy's early morning accompanied walk and also the border with the wasteland at the rear of my residence that leads down to a small flood plain and major drainage culvert, Mr Vasthill spotted a blue Piaggio Zip motorscooter, registration E3385, parked precariously halfway down the steepish slope that leads to the small flood plain and major drainage culvert. He further stated that it appeared undamaged, was parked on its centre stand and had a key in the ignition. Mr Vasthill added that in his opinion the thief, or thieves, must have moved the scooter to its current position away from and out of sight of my residence to try and start it, and when unable to do so, simply left it there. Mr Vasthill then left.
I then made my way to the location that Mr Vasthill had described, that being halfway down the steepish slope that leads to the small flood plain and major drainage culvert, and there found the aforementioned blue Piaggio Zip motorscooter, registration E3385, parked on its centre stand, undamaged and with the ignition key in the ignition. Having turned the ignition key to the start position, and started the engine by way of the starter button, I rode it back up the steepish slope, across the adjoining plot and to the front of my residence. Here I again confirmed that no damage had been done and also that nothing had been removed and the ignition and engine were in perfect working order. I also found my house keys on the key ring to which the ignition key was attached.
Unofficially, however:
Early on Monday morning I was woken up by some wanker banging on the front doors. I had a nasty hangover and had only just gotten to sleep, so I wasn't best pleased. It turned out to be Desmond my neighbour, the one with the weird cat. He was clearly pleased with himself and started waffling on about his morning walk with the fucking cat. Eventually he mentioned having seen my scooter on the wasteland behind my house. I wandered over to a spot overlooking the wasteland with him and there saw the scooter exactly as he had described. I thanked him and he left.
My hangover was bad so I decided to leave it there and deal with it later. However, as I walked back to the house, fragments of memories started to emerge and coalesce in my mind, and then, suddenly, like a film of a breaking mirror being run in reverse, the fragments came together to reveal the whole dreadful truth. The previous Sunday night - around the time the scooter had been stolen - must have been the night I vaguely remembered staying up drinking rum on the veranda until the early hours, and then, as the sun came up, deciding to go exploring the wasteland, the small flood plain and the drainage culvert...on my scooter! Clearly it's off-road capabilities had been disappointing and I must have abandoned it near to it's vertical limit on the steepish slope, and proceeded on foot. This was the expedition that explained the photographic portraits of 'cows on wasteland' that I had found on my digital camera, that made sense of the various lacerations on my legs and had now solved the case of the disappearing scooter.
Oh bugger I thought, and went back to bed.
Replies: 4610 people said
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