"Crime of the Week - $300 reward offered" Sunday, March 20th:
Things went a little pear shaped last week with the theft of my scooter from the house. Person or persons unknown most probably strolled into the house whilst I was taking an evening kip - as you do in this heat - grabbed the keys and made good their getaway at a gentle amble, stopping possibly to admire the tall, now brown and seemingly lifeless Flamboyant, that stretches out, almost architecturally, over the driveway. They were cool customers and I have a $300 reward out for their apprehension and incarceration.
At the best of times, and in the most efficient of countries, making good after an event such as this can be trying. So, you can imagine what a head fuck it was having to inform the various authorities in triplicate and dealing with the insurance company, in a country where nothing is done over the phone and time is an abstract concept that most people have yet to grasp. Everything has to be done in a certain, illogical order: she needs that before I can do this; they need to do that so I can take this to them and get them to send that to him. Suffice to say it is all dealt with now and they, them, she and him seem to be happy...and there was me thinking I was the one who should be attended to and made to feel happy!
To add to my woes, my house keys were on the same key ring as the scooter ignition key that the thief/thieves so audaciously stole, and thus I was also compelled to spent an afternoon purchasing and then fitting various door locks around the house.
There are however a few residual issues that will be worked out over time. The first being my insurance claim, which, unlike elsewhere where I have made claims, will not be settled until the police have made a thorough investigation of the theft. Now, although frustrating, in that I will not receive a settlement for quite some months, it is heartening to know that I am an actual case, an active ongoing, bona fide criminal investigation and not simply a crime reference number and unwanted crime statistic. I'm not blind though to the possibility that this sounds better than it actually is, and that the few months I'm being asked to wait for my money, whilst a vigorous investigation is undertaken, is in fact just good cash management. Perhaps I'm being too cynical here. There are after all only a handful of the particular scooter I owned, on the island, and thus the chances of it being spotted within these few months and returned to me without the insurance company having to pay up, are quite good.
This brings me very nicely on to the second residual issue, that being the very real possibility that I will soon be arrested for a crime I did not commit. The fact is I've just bought a replacement scooter which is the same make, model and colour as the stolen one. It is indistinguishable in every way...including the registration number, which, due to the local licensing laws, is the same as the old one! Now, it doesn't take a Sherlock to work out that sooner or later the chances are that the police are going to spot a blue, Piaggio Zip, registration E3385 and pull it/me over, all lights-a-blazing and sirens-a-wailing, as they do. The chances are made considerably better by the fact that I've posted A4 "stolen scooter...reward offered" posters in various bars up and down the coast, just to remind people to call the police if they see a blue, Piaggio Zip, registration E3385.
This may, therefore, be my last posting for a while.
Reductio ad absurdum
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