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"Flashback - Episode 6. Outraged customer sees red, shock horror." Sunday, August 8th:

The radio alarm clock burst into life at 8:00am the next morning with an untuned barrage of static. I was refreshed and relaxed and had finished my prescribed course of antibiotics. Fortunately my other medication seemed to be keeping the agoraphobia in check and I was not feeling the slightest bit of anxiety or, at the other end of the scale, any manic urges to run screaming through the streets to the local airport and demand immediate emergency air evacuation back to the UK under heavy sedation.

I was aware, however, that Las Vegas was within a fast half day ride of Los Angeles, and my American surrogate home, and thus the feelings of isolation that normally pushed me into the fear zone were unlikely here. The first true test of my new found freedom from phobia would come in the middle of the night, somewhere up in the Rockies in a one horse town, hundreds of miles from an airport and days away from LA. This thought was a constant, if unwelcome, companion that hovered in the background and spoke when I least needed to hear it.

My departure from Los Angeles had been a bit of a false start, with my journey stumbling in the opening few yards, hitting the first hurdle and going down hard. I was now back in the starting blocks and under starters orders and, barring being shot by the starting gun, would be on the road again in a matter hours.

But first the essentials, the three S's - shit, shower, shave, or in this case, as I had adopted the outlaw biker stubble look and wasn't shaving, the two S's. I was in a hurry and had allocated five minutes to these two S's.

Upon entering the bathroom I was immediately aware that there was something hideously wrong. To my knowledge there was, at that particular point in time, only one person in the bathroom. So, by a process of elimination, or lack thereof, the bright red skinned individual in the mirror could only have been me.

This was not red in a "couple of minutes in the sun" kind or way. This was red in a "fell asleep in the sun for ten hours without sun cream" kind of way. Only this wasn't sunburn, because, apart from the fact I'd been in bed for most of the past three days, the only bits I'd exposed to the sun since leaving LA, were my forearms, my face and my neck. This was an all over affair and featured slightly bumpy skin like goosebumps, that could only have been one thing - an allergic reaction.

But to what? I hadn't been swimming. I'd been using the same soap for a few days and and hadn't noticed anything before now. And as far as I was aware I didn't have any food allergies.

I turned to inspect my back which was as red as the front, however, at the top the redness became a little streaky, like fingers of red running down from the nape of my neck. The kind of streaky red, finger-like marks you would expect to get if you had had a massage and your skin had reacted to the massage oil.

This explained the virtually 100% coverage and the fact that I was red in places where the sun normally didn't normally get a look in.

Although shocking to behold, I consoled myself that at least it wasn't life threatening, it wouldn't necessitate hospitalisation and the worst that could happen would be that I would require another regimen of some new form of medication. I would perhaps also have to avoid aggravating it by exposing it to the sun, which, with the aid of a long sleeved t-shirt and my normal riding jeans, would not be a problem on the bike. I looked a little weird though, but then who didn't in this town. I now had my very own unique caste colour that set me aside from the orange of Siegfried and Roy and other entertainment hoy poloy. I was red and therefore very important...or perhaps just another sunburnt British tourist.

I made my way down to to the check-out counter in reception only to find a tiny percentage of the hotel's 2,400 guest in the queue in front of me - that would be a few hundred then. I stood in line for about 10 minutes, during which time the queue moved about five feet.

It's at times like this that you really appreciate the kind of bad service we get in Britain. Although annoying in the extreme, at least your standard poe faced, monosyllabic British receptionist doesn't waste time with pleasantries. I could lip read the receptionist at the front of my queue going through the standard, "how are you today", "did you enjoy your stay", "was there anything wrong with your room", "is there anything else I can help you with today", "thank you for staying at the New York, New York, I hope you come again", "Have a nice day", "you are welcome", "you are welcome", "you are very welcome". I was in two minds as to whether to call the head of customer relations on the white house phone, and suggest that during times of peak demand at the front desk, they employ the "British Check-out Standard", that being, "Hello...........Goodbye".

This would save them at least two to three minutes per guest, which, in a queue for 20 people, would speed things up for the poor bastard at the back by at least 40 minutes - a saving that would do more for customer relations than their existing long winded, rhetorical check out procedure.

I couldn't wait any longer - the road was calling to me. Thinking around the problem, I decided to head back up to my room and use the automated check-out on the interactive TV system.

Ten minutes later I was sitting in my room and had negotiated my way through the screen prompts to the penultimate page of the billing system. Two more button pushes and the bill would be charged to my credit card and I would be free. I pushed the button once to bring up the grand total...and I was immediately aware that there was something hideously wrong.

The total read $1,268. It's easy to look at bills like this and see them in £ Sterling, in which case they are going to look expensive. But I had converted this particular bill the instant it came up on the screen, and it was hideously wrong in Sterling as well as Dollars. It equated to approximately £190 per night. By my reckoning it should have been nearer £90 per night, or a four night total in Dollars of $640, plus a bit of tax.

The bill was nearly double what I had expected and I felt like a bit of good old fashioned English agro coming on.

There is nothing quite like standing in front of a huge queue of impatient people and in a loud and deeply sarcastic manner demanding to see the owner, or at the very least the general manager, of an errant establishment. An outright refusal to lower your voice and a proclamation that you are not moving from the spot until your demands have been met, are an essential part of this experience. You do, however, have to be sure of your facts, because a climb-down in front of a huge queue of impatient people is a deeply humiliating experience...or so I am told.

I had checked in on a rate of $139 per night for two nights. I had extended this rate for a third night and then on my fourth, had downgraded to a smaller and thus cheaper room. These were the facts, of which I was sure, but they clearly didn't add up.

Unfortunately, a command performance of "Outraged customer at the front of the queue", means actually standing and waiting in the queue to get to the front, and as I had discovered earlier, this meant a long wait - but now it would be worth it.

It was half an hour before I eventually reached the front of the queue and was confronted by the receptionist who was to be my co-star. She was pretty, as everyone who worked front-of-house in Vegas appeared to be, and her name was Karyne, which I took to mean Karen.

"Good morning Karyne"
"Good morning Sir. How are you this morning?"
"Very well thank you Karyne"
"And how can I help you?"
"I would like to check out please"
"OK, and your room number?"
"1829"
"Thank you"
I avoided the chance to turn the tables and say "You're welcome", just in case she responded with a "thank you", and we ended up stuck for hours in some endless loop.
"Now the problem is Karyne, I had a look at the bill on the TV system in the room, and it's clearly wrong"
"OK, let me have a look at that Sir"
After a minute or so a computer printer wirred into life next to her.
"Here is your bill Mr Keen, and it appears to be fine"
She placed the bill on the counter so I could check it myself.
"Could you take a look and tell me where you think it's incorrect"
I looked down at the bill and started to go through it.

Ah, OK, yes there were a couple of meals I'd forgotten. And sure, I'd made a couple of long distance phone calls, but still, double what I was expecting? The two elements that stuck out immediately were the phone calls and the last night of accommodation.
"Karyne, could you check the phone log for me and give me the rate per minute?
"Let me take a look at that for you Sir."

I had made about three calls on the night of my hospitalization, to friends who I thought might be able to help with a quick long distance diagnosis of my condition. None could, but it had been reassuring to know that someone back in the UK was aware of my last known position and would be able to track down my remains and personal effects in the event that things turned really ugly and all contact was lost.

"Here we are Sir. You made three calls with a combined total of 47 minutes, which at $5 per minute totals $235.
47 minutes was probably about right and it was pointless arguing that $5 per minute was excessive, because humans are born with the knowledge that hotel phone rates are excessive, printed in their DNA. It's a fact that no one can deny knowledge of.
"Yup, that looks fine. What I really wanted to look at is this last night room charge. I was in a room at $139 per night and down graded to a smaller room to save money. It says here that my last night was $369. That's not really a downgrade is it Karyne. Do you think I could speak to the manager."
I had her now. There was no escaping my simple and obvious logic."
"Let me take a look at that for you Sir."

She was altogether too cool for my liking. There was not a hint that my questions were creating even the slightest chink in her shiny, smily suit of confidence armor. I was the one getting nervous and I was wondering whether my request for the manager had been perhaps a little premature. The "could I speak to the manager" statement was normally deployed when the opponent was reeling in the face of my clinical dissection and unarguable evaluation of the problem, and was looking to throw in the towel. At this point the option to defer to a higher power is an easy out, and is normally seized upon. In reality, managers and heads of department are rarely available, and if they are, are more likely to send the hapless receptionist back to face the customer with an instruction to use their initiative and discretion to sort the problem out - this generally results in a discount or removal of the disputed charge. I had used this knowledge on countless occasions and had received discounts on everything from floaters in the loo, through to excessively noisy mattresses.

However, Karyne had not marched off to see a superior, she was deeply engrossed in her computer terminal. Eventually she turned to me and placed a pen on the bill next to the $369 charge.

"Unfortunately your fourth night was a Saturday night and even though you downgraded, due to the demand for rooms last night, the rate for your new room was as shown here, $369. She smiled.
"What do you mean due to demand. What has demand got to do with anything? My voice was now beginning to boom.
"None of our rooms have set rates. The rate depends on the night of the week and how busy we are. We were extremely busy last night because of the big fight at the MGM Grand, and what with it being a Saturday as well, your room was $369.
"Well it was nice of your reservations people to tell me that when I spoke to them" I was half turned to the people in the queue behind me and my volume was set to 11. " And another thing, the only reason I was here for a fourth night, and a third night come to think of it, was because I got food poisoning from your Italian restaurant here in the hotel and was rushed to hospital in an ambulance in the middle of the night. I was on a drip for 5 hours you know and was projectile vomiting all over the place".

Karyne was looking nervous now as were the people in the queue behind me. Some even had the foot-in-dog-shit look that I had seen on the faces of my ambulance crew. Were they shocked by my bright red face and neck or by my story? I had no idea.

This time Karyne abandoned her computer terminal and headed for the back office. Success!
Minutes later she appeared again, this time with the composed look of someone with a solution.
"Mr Keen. I have been authorised to reduce the rate on your final night and also, as a gesture of goodwill, remove all phone charges. Would that be OK with you?"
"That would be very nice, Thank you Karyne"
"You're Welcome"
Order restored, and my voice down to its normal level of around 5, I signed the credit card receipt and said my farewell.

Thank you Karyne. I'm sorry if I was a little heated there, it's been a harrowing few days"
"I understand entirely Sir." And then the preprogramming kicked in. "I hope you enjoyed your stay here at New York New York and have a pleasant journey home."
It was incredible how my earlier revelations had failed to engender a change to Karyne's farewell. I wondered whether, if the hotel was ripped apart in an earthquake, Karyne would be found stumbling around in the rubble issuing fond corporate farewells to the surviving guests, like some dutiful Stepford wife. Bizare...but then this was Vegas.

"Thank you"
"You're welcome"
"Thank you"
"You're welcome"
I gave up and made my way across the casino floor at speed, just in case Karyne blew a fuse and came after my like a pretty version of Yul Brynner in a Vegas version of Westworld.

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